COLUMN: Mastering the sport of golf with just two clubs

(The Enterprise/FILE)

Now that it is golf season, I want to play golf.

I know about golf. Play means fun-loving, spontaneous. Golf is a four-letter word with clubs.

I wanted to be in the Masters, so I checked. Masters is an invite-only game. Who was invited?

I checked every name all the way to the end of the list. Then rechecked from the bottom to the top.

What happened? My name got lost from the list.

That was not going to stop me. I would be a spectator. So I checked the tickets.

Four days, full view was $16,000. No matter how many zeros were crossed off, I couldn’t afford it.

So, I could be a caddy.

I knew how far it was from tee to the green. And there are 18 of them! 

If I am going to carry the bag, there will be limitations: Only two clubs. The players are professionals, so they can choose their favorite two clubs. I am willing to carry two clubs because I am going to play with the one they are not using.

Play, remember?

The golfers stand at the tee, shifting from one foot to the other. While I am patiently waiting, I will twirl the other club, throw it in the air, catch it behind my back. If they are still rocking backing forth on their feet, I’ll do it a second time.

Because they are so interested in the hole, I will check it out. I will get down on my knees with a penlight. Is there a pot of gold? 

The first Masters hole is Tea Olive. Then I will skip over to the 18th, the Holly hole. I’ll find out what is in the hole that is so important.

What’s the hurry? Golfers act as if they want to use as few strokes as possible. They seem so proud of a negative score.

I witnessed a hole-in-one on TV. Boy, did he get carried away with that! The golfer was excited, the crowd cheered. I wondered why. He missed the fun of playing on the way. He wasted the whole fairway.

Play means shoot lots of shots, not try to limit shots. Instead of trying to get out of the traps and hazards, play in them.

Each leg in the Masters is named after trees and has its unique yards and par. That needs intervention. So, I will scatter the proper leaves and blossoms to mark the flag.

When I am caddy, an assistant will carry my toys. I need yellow toy Tonka trucks to play in the sand and water to wet it. I can make a pretend forest with twigs. My toy trucks can wait for the rest of the balls – and then bury my collection of balls.

The water hazards will be lots of fun. My assistant will carry water shoes, and a life jacket and I can play in the water while looking for the balls. 

Playing golf, Masters, here I come.

Pauline Sheehan writes on DeLight Side in Vale.